Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
