he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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