sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
