Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
