You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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