i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
