the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
