i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
