I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
