he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
