I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
