Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
