my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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