I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
