You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
