I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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