I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
