3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
