sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
