I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
