I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
