Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your cock deserves a montage
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am available for nakedness
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
