i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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