I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
