need another drink. this is the easiest way
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
