Umm I'm too high to move.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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