If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
