I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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