tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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