I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
