Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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