i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
