just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
