So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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