i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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