He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
