I need to stop coming to work sober
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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