I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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