I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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