Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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