all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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