You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
