apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
