"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
