i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
