If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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