mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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