you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
