dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
