If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
