R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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